New Year

Well, another year has come and gone in the blink of an eye.
  For the most part it has anyway. I can remember very well New Year's Eve of 2014. Though surrounded by great friends... my heart was broken. I remember laying in bed with Chris that night saying " 2015 is going to be our year."
     In 2014, things had just fallen into place like I had hoped. I had landed a job I could do forever and was so extremely happy at it, then we had made the tough decision to move from our home we had grown to love in Utah back to our real home in Idaho. I knew it would be the right thing. I Remember feeling so much peace. Only days after our decision we found out I was pregnant, and I just knew that we were making the right decision. Things were just the way they were supposed to be. Then obviously things went south shortly after that.
    Flash forward to the end of the year, I was angry, heartbroken, and lost. My testimony I had grown over the past few years had all but diminished. I wondered how God could make, not only me, but anybody feel this kind of pain? How could he watch me suffer while I begged for answers? I prayed for closure, I prayed for wisdom, and I prayed for a miracle. I couldn't begin to understand why this would happen to me, or anybody, with the righteous desire to start a family. In those last few minutes of 2014 I remember being relieved that it was almost over.
    That turned into weeks, months, and now it's been a year. I find myself asking-- when will this nightmare end?
   Maybe it won't. Maybe it will. Whether or not it does... I'll survive. 2015 is not a year I'd like to relive. You can call me pessimistic, ungrateful, or cynical. Truth is... maybe I am. We are now on the downward slope of struggling to start a family for 3 years. In 6 months it will be THREE. YEARS. What have you done with your life in the last 3 years? Can you imagine living without anything in your life for the last 3 years? I can't, but I do every day.
    2016. I hope you don't disappoint. I hope I can finally say, I've made it... I never thought I would but I did. I hope I can say, that trial has grown my testimony ten fold. I hope I can sit on January 1st, 2017 and think to myself I know this year will be great. I hope whatever path God chooses for me that I will learn to be okay with it.
   I can't and I won't say that for 2016, but I hope and pray that it is.