Help

Sometimes I like to pretend like I have my life together and that I'm okay. Then it all comes crashing down and hits me like a ton of bricks.

Last week, I was feeling pretty good. I was accepting the fact that I am going through this awful thing called infertility. I was coming to terms with the fact that maybe it might still just be Chris and I in 2016, 2017, and maybe even 2018. I had come to terms with the fact that maybe we will have to adopt. And I was okay with that. It sounds dramatic, but after 2 years you begin to realize that this might be your reality. I understand many women wait many many years longer than 2 years, but I don't believe that makes my struggle irrelevant.

So let me just walk you through this. I find this strength and I am fine for a couple days.... then a few days later I remember I've been lying to myself and I'm not okay with it. I am a crazy lunatic who feels like I might explode because I can't keep pretending I'm okay. Because I'm not.

And you know what. That's perfectly okay. I believe I am justified to feel like I'm not okay. I don't think I have to pretend to be okay. Because maybe that's part of the lesson. Maybe I need to learn that I don't have to be okay. That I was given feelings to I don't know feel them. Maybe I need to learn to ask for help, because let's face it... If you know me, you know I'm beyond stubborn and I'm not going to ask for help because that's just not who I am.

I don't like feeling like a damsel in distress. I don't like admitting that I am in need of a shoulder to cry on. I have a hard time swallowing my pride and letting others help me.

I read an article the other day about miscarriage, infertility, and infant loss being the Voldemort of this life. That we must not talk about it or it give it more power.... If you don't understand that then you should probably read a Harry Potter book or two, I thought well isn't that true. It's like a taboo topic and it makes people uncomfortable, and I get it. A few years ago a couple friends and I sat down to lunch and we were talking about having kids.. one of my friends revealed that she had a miscarriage a few weeks prior and I sat there like an idiot and had no idea what to say. I remember going home and kicking myself in the rear for being so rude and not saying anything comforting to her. I remember wishing I could have said things and made the silence a lot less awkward and that I could have helped her. Now that I sit here and I am in almost the same shoes it makes me even more mad that I never really helped her. Sure I sent her a text a few days later and said how sorry I was and that I was here for her. But not I realize she probably needed someone to talk to, somebody to really be there for her.

I am not claiming to be perfect, but I try really hard to message and show those I know who are going through a hard time that I really am thinking about them. It could be as small as a picture of something funny or a chocolate bar or it could be as big as going over and cleaning their kitchen. I am not saying you have to drop your whole lives to help somebody. But do it. Go out and help somebody because I believe the biggest way to help yourself feel better about your trials is to go out and serve somebody else.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we all need help, and it's hard to ask for it, so be mindful that everybody needs someone to help them every now and then. And don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

Self esteem.

This post is going to get real personal. 

     If you knew me while I was growing up, it was no secret that I struggled with my self esteem. I was a tall girl in a world full of short boys. I can remember being teased about my height as early as 1st grade. Plus the older I got the wider I seemed to get. I wouldn't necessarily say that I was over weight I just wasn't a tiny girl like most of my friends. In 6th grade as we were ordering our dare shirts, I remember telling my teacher what size I needed and he told me that he knew I was going to be too big for that size. 

      It wasn't until my Senior year of high school I finally felt comfortbale in my own skin. I wasn't being teased about my height anymore and all the boys had caught up to me for the most part. I remember feeling like I finally felt like I fit in. This lasted for the next few years. I felt like I was content with who I was and the skin I was in. 

     Then we started trying to get pregnant. Each and every month felt like a chisel was taking a bit of my self esteem little by little. I noticed it, but I felt like it would all go away once I finally got pregnant. It took us 10 months to get pregnant the first time, and I remember feeling relief that I finally would feel okay with myself again. And I did. 

     But like you've heard, this story doesn't end well. Just 7-8 weeks in I miscarried. This time it took almost every ounce of my self esteem it could possibly take. I felt like what is wrong with me that I can't do what God sent me here to do. Why isn't my body good enough to do what it is intended to do. It's a funny thing, I never would have thought it would make me feel this way, but it does. It absolutely makes you feel like less of a woman. I then proceeded to gain 20-30 pounds. Talk about esteem killer. I literally felt like I woke up one morning and I was an infertile obese woman, and there was nothing I could do about it. The energy it took out of me was unreal. I just wished so badly that I could be the me I used to be. I wanted to feel like the woman I knew I was and that I knew my husband had fallen in love with. It was a hard pill to swallow. I don't really have a conclusion to where this should end, and maybe that's because I am still trying to over come this certain trial. Maybe there will be a part two to this post, but for now it's still unwritten. 

    I hope and pray that those of you struggling know you aren't alone. It's an awful club to be apart of, but I know you can find love and peace from somebody going through the same thing. God loves you, even when you don't love you.