There's a few things you should know about someone who is going through infertility during the holidays.
They probably won't be very cheerful. The truth is that the holidays are just another reminder for them that they don't have children to be thankful for or to buy gifts for or to take to see Santa.
People ask you what you want for Christmas and you painfully fake a smile and say "Oh I don't know" when every single night you beg God that if he would just answer your prayer you wouldn't ask for another thing again.
And I mean... for some reason pregnancy and baby annoucements literally feel like they DOUBLE during the holidays. You see posts about how so and so is thankful that God trusted them to be a mother on Thanksgiving or that the joy of seeing their kids on Christmas morning is nothing to be compared to.
Sometimes it's hard to admit that we aren't okay. Lately I've been feeling like there is so much pressure from society and especially our church to "just buck up and move on." I find myself feeling so absolutely broken inside but because it's not okay to not be okay. Because we were meant to be happy, and I absolutely believe that. I think the pressure gets to be too much and sometimes I just explode, I find myself being mad at everything for days at a time and I honestly believe it's because I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad. That I am ungrateful if I have a day where I just feel like I don't want to get out of bed because I'm feeling down and like life just isn't fair.
Another reason why the holidays are so hard is because every year we say "By this time next year we will have a little baby," which only makes it harder. It's a reminder of how many Christmases and Anniversaries we have celebrated while not being able to start a family of our own. You surely think you won't be in the same situation next year, but somehow you're stuck. Your life isn't progressing the way it's supposed to be at this point.
I encourage you to take a moment and reach out to those who you know may be going through this during this holiday season. Tell them you love them and that you hope they get everything that they want this year, because I can gaurantee a baby is the top of their list. Rememeber that this time of year isn't always easy for everybody.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Help
Sometimes I like to pretend like I have my life together and that I'm okay. Then it all comes crashing down and hits me like a ton of bricks.
Last week, I was feeling pretty good. I was accepting the fact that I am going through this awful thing called infertility. I was coming to terms with the fact that maybe it might still just be Chris and I in 2016, 2017, and maybe even 2018. I had come to terms with the fact that maybe we will have to adopt. And I was okay with that. It sounds dramatic, but after 2 years you begin to realize that this might be your reality. I understand many women wait many many years longer than 2 years, but I don't believe that makes my struggle irrelevant.
So let me just walk you through this. I find this strength and I am fine for a couple days.... then a few days later I remember I've been lying to myself and I'm not okay with it. I am a crazy lunatic who feels like I might explode because I can't keep pretending I'm okay. Because I'm not.
And you know what. That's perfectly okay. I believe I am justified to feel like I'm not okay. I don't think I have to pretend to be okay. Because maybe that's part of the lesson. Maybe I need to learn that I don't have to be okay. That I was given feelings to I don't know feel them. Maybe I need to learn to ask for help, because let's face it... If you know me, you know I'm beyond stubborn and I'm not going to ask for help because that's just not who I am.
I don't like feeling like a damsel in distress. I don't like admitting that I am in need of a shoulder to cry on. I have a hard time swallowing my pride and letting others help me.
I read an article the other day about miscarriage, infertility, and infant loss being the Voldemort of this life. That we must not talk about it or it give it more power.... If you don't understand that then you should probably read a Harry Potter book or two, I thought well isn't that true. It's like a taboo topic and it makes people uncomfortable, and I get it. A few years ago a couple friends and I sat down to lunch and we were talking about having kids.. one of my friends revealed that she had a miscarriage a few weeks prior and I sat there like an idiot and had no idea what to say. I remember going home and kicking myself in the rear for being so rude and not saying anything comforting to her. I remember wishing I could have said things and made the silence a lot less awkward and that I could have helped her. Now that I sit here and I am in almost the same shoes it makes me even more mad that I never really helped her. Sure I sent her a text a few days later and said how sorry I was and that I was here for her. But not I realize she probably needed someone to talk to, somebody to really be there for her.
I am not claiming to be perfect, but I try really hard to message and show those I know who are going through a hard time that I really am thinking about them. It could be as small as a picture of something funny or a chocolate bar or it could be as big as going over and cleaning their kitchen. I am not saying you have to drop your whole lives to help somebody. But do it. Go out and help somebody because I believe the biggest way to help yourself feel better about your trials is to go out and serve somebody else.
I guess what I am trying to say is that we all need help, and it's hard to ask for it, so be mindful that everybody needs someone to help them every now and then. And don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
Last week, I was feeling pretty good. I was accepting the fact that I am going through this awful thing called infertility. I was coming to terms with the fact that maybe it might still just be Chris and I in 2016, 2017, and maybe even 2018. I had come to terms with the fact that maybe we will have to adopt. And I was okay with that. It sounds dramatic, but after 2 years you begin to realize that this might be your reality. I understand many women wait many many years longer than 2 years, but I don't believe that makes my struggle irrelevant.
So let me just walk you through this. I find this strength and I am fine for a couple days.... then a few days later I remember I've been lying to myself and I'm not okay with it. I am a crazy lunatic who feels like I might explode because I can't keep pretending I'm okay. Because I'm not.
And you know what. That's perfectly okay. I believe I am justified to feel like I'm not okay. I don't think I have to pretend to be okay. Because maybe that's part of the lesson. Maybe I need to learn that I don't have to be okay. That I was given feelings to I don't know feel them. Maybe I need to learn to ask for help, because let's face it... If you know me, you know I'm beyond stubborn and I'm not going to ask for help because that's just not who I am.
I don't like feeling like a damsel in distress. I don't like admitting that I am in need of a shoulder to cry on. I have a hard time swallowing my pride and letting others help me.
I read an article the other day about miscarriage, infertility, and infant loss being the Voldemort of this life. That we must not talk about it or it give it more power.... If you don't understand that then you should probably read a Harry Potter book or two, I thought well isn't that true. It's like a taboo topic and it makes people uncomfortable, and I get it. A few years ago a couple friends and I sat down to lunch and we were talking about having kids.. one of my friends revealed that she had a miscarriage a few weeks prior and I sat there like an idiot and had no idea what to say. I remember going home and kicking myself in the rear for being so rude and not saying anything comforting to her. I remember wishing I could have said things and made the silence a lot less awkward and that I could have helped her. Now that I sit here and I am in almost the same shoes it makes me even more mad that I never really helped her. Sure I sent her a text a few days later and said how sorry I was and that I was here for her. But not I realize she probably needed someone to talk to, somebody to really be there for her.
I am not claiming to be perfect, but I try really hard to message and show those I know who are going through a hard time that I really am thinking about them. It could be as small as a picture of something funny or a chocolate bar or it could be as big as going over and cleaning their kitchen. I am not saying you have to drop your whole lives to help somebody. But do it. Go out and help somebody because I believe the biggest way to help yourself feel better about your trials is to go out and serve somebody else.
I guess what I am trying to say is that we all need help, and it's hard to ask for it, so be mindful that everybody needs someone to help them every now and then. And don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Self esteem.
This post is going to get real personal.
If you knew me while I was growing up, it was no secret that I struggled with my self esteem. I was a tall girl in a world full of short boys. I can remember being teased about my height as early as 1st grade. Plus the older I got the wider I seemed to get. I wouldn't necessarily say that I was over weight I just wasn't a tiny girl like most of my friends. In 6th grade as we were ordering our dare shirts, I remember telling my teacher what size I needed and he told me that he knew I was going to be too big for that size.
It wasn't until my Senior year of high school I finally felt comfortbale in my own skin. I wasn't being teased about my height anymore and all the boys had caught up to me for the most part. I remember feeling like I finally felt like I fit in. This lasted for the next few years. I felt like I was content with who I was and the skin I was in.
Then we started trying to get pregnant. Each and every month felt like a chisel was taking a bit of my self esteem little by little. I noticed it, but I felt like it would all go away once I finally got pregnant. It took us 10 months to get pregnant the first time, and I remember feeling relief that I finally would feel okay with myself again. And I did.
But like you've heard, this story doesn't end well. Just 7-8 weeks in I miscarried. This time it took almost every ounce of my self esteem it could possibly take. I felt like what is wrong with me that I can't do what God sent me here to do. Why isn't my body good enough to do what it is intended to do. It's a funny thing, I never would have thought it would make me feel this way, but it does. It absolutely makes you feel like less of a woman. I then proceeded to gain 20-30 pounds. Talk about esteem killer. I literally felt like I woke up one morning and I was an infertile obese woman, and there was nothing I could do about it. The energy it took out of me was unreal. I just wished so badly that I could be the me I used to be. I wanted to feel like the woman I knew I was and that I knew my husband had fallen in love with. It was a hard pill to swallow. I don't really have a conclusion to where this should end, and maybe that's because I am still trying to over come this certain trial. Maybe there will be a part two to this post, but for now it's still unwritten.
I hope and pray that those of you struggling know you aren't alone. It's an awful club to be apart of, but I know you can find love and peace from somebody going through the same thing. God loves you, even when you don't love you.
Monday, August 24, 2015
One year
One year later. One year since my miscarriage.
I'm not going to lie, a year snuck up on me...and yet it didn't. I knew that it would be easier to deal with day to day, but as a whole it still stings.
I never thought I would be sitting here writing this down. A year ago if you asked me where I'd be I would have told you I knew for sure that I'd have a sweet baby in my arms, or at least growing in my belly. I never thought I'd be sitting here on medications STILL trying to get pregnant. But of course you never think it's going to be you.
1 in 8. Did you know that's how many couples struggle with infertility? That came as a surprise to me. Chris and I have a tight knit group of friends. There's about 6 or 7 couples we hang out with on a regular basis. That means the odds were that at least 1 out of us 8 couples were going to be a statistic. Now I'm not speaking for those other couples because I don't know what they went through to bring their little ones here, but I never thought in a million years we would be that couple.
I never thought we would struggle this much. Life is hard. Everybody has trials, I'm not saying mine are harder than yours. But dang. 2 years later and I'm sitting in my quiet home, no messes to clean, no baby to snuggle. Realatively speaking 2 years is a short amount of time. But that's two years of baby annoucements, blessings, baby showers, and two years of struggling. It's such a weird thing. It gets easier to accept, but it's not easier to deal with. It still hurts every single day, but it doesn't consume all your thoughts all day every day. That probably doesn't even make sense unless you've been there.
I know a lot of couples struggling with this. My heart literally breaks and hurts for them. A lot of the time I feel selfish for my feelings because I'm like wait-- so and so has been waiting 4, 5, heck even 8 years for this and I've been waiting 2... big deal. That's the thing is my pain isn't any less than theirs, sure it's different but I still have the right. It's an awkward thing to talk about, but I always try to ask my friends how they're doing and things are progressing because even though it's a sensitive and private subject it really does make you feel so much better to know somebody is thinking about you.
This post is all over the place. That's pretty much where my thoughts are. I can't seem to keep them organized. That's like a day in the life of me. I encourage you to reach out to a friend of yours you know is struggling with this and say, "hey I know this sucks, but I'm here for you.. let's eat an entire tub of ice cream and watch chick flicks for a night." Because as cliche as it sounds, that's probably what she wants to do.
"People don't always need advice. Sometimes all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them."
I know a lot of couples struggling with this. My heart literally breaks and hurts for them. A lot of the time I feel selfish for my feelings because I'm like wait-- so and so has been waiting 4, 5, heck even 8 years for this and I've been waiting 2... big deal. That's the thing is my pain isn't any less than theirs, sure it's different but I still have the right. It's an awkward thing to talk about, but I always try to ask my friends how they're doing and things are progressing because even though it's a sensitive and private subject it really does make you feel so much better to know somebody is thinking about you.
This post is all over the place. That's pretty much where my thoughts are. I can't seem to keep them organized. That's like a day in the life of me. I encourage you to reach out to a friend of yours you know is struggling with this and say, "hey I know this sucks, but I'm here for you.. let's eat an entire tub of ice cream and watch chick flicks for a night." Because as cliche as it sounds, that's probably what she wants to do.
"People don't always need advice. Sometimes all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them."
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Okay..
Here's what I've learned from having a miscarriage.
- There's SO many people going through the same thing-- you will feel alone, but I promise you aren't.
- It is different for everybody, yet all the same.
-Talking about it really does help. Its a hard subject to bring up, but if you do you'll feel a lot better.
-God doesn't make mistakes, there's a reason why this happened to you.
-It will make you or it will break you... let it make you.
-It's HARD. Plain and simple.
-The pain will never go away, and it shouldn't. Your baby died. You should remember them always. The pain will be easier to deal with, but it will never go away.
-You will love every baby that comes in your path, but it will still be painful to look at them and think "my baby should have been ___ old."
- Every pregnancy and birth hurts, but makes you so happy at the same time.
-You will feel like the World's biggest jerk for having feelings of jealousy and bitterness towards other women who are experiencing what you want most.
-It will take a long time for your hormones to balance themselves... like legitimately here I am 10 months later and I was put on a medication to balance my hormones because they haven't done so by themselves.
-You will go for days where you're completely fine, and you will go for days where you're sure that you can't take it any longer.
-It can strengthen your marriage. LET IT!
-You're going to be okay. I PROMISE you that.
Believe me, I'm the first to admit there were (and sometimes still are) days that I just feel like I can't go on any longer. How am I going to make it? Sometimes I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing for an entire week, but you know what? I can't. That's the funny/not so funny thing about life. It goes on. I'm not saying that you should just get over it, because I definitely don't believe that. Like I said, your baby died, that's definitely worth remembering and grieving over, there's no doubt about that. But I promise you God wouldn't make you suffer this pain without an end in sight. It might not be tomorrow, heck it might not even be in this life, but the day will come. God doesn't make mistakes, you were made exactly how you were meant to be made. Your trials were mapped out before you were even born. Learn from them, and let them make you. You can make it.
- There's SO many people going through the same thing-- you will feel alone, but I promise you aren't.
- It is different for everybody, yet all the same.
-Talking about it really does help. Its a hard subject to bring up, but if you do you'll feel a lot better.
-God doesn't make mistakes, there's a reason why this happened to you.
-It will make you or it will break you... let it make you.
-It's HARD. Plain and simple.
-The pain will never go away, and it shouldn't. Your baby died. You should remember them always. The pain will be easier to deal with, but it will never go away.
-You will love every baby that comes in your path, but it will still be painful to look at them and think "my baby should have been ___ old."
- Every pregnancy and birth hurts, but makes you so happy at the same time.
-You will feel like the World's biggest jerk for having feelings of jealousy and bitterness towards other women who are experiencing what you want most.
-It will take a long time for your hormones to balance themselves... like legitimately here I am 10 months later and I was put on a medication to balance my hormones because they haven't done so by themselves.
-You will go for days where you're completely fine, and you will go for days where you're sure that you can't take it any longer.
-It can strengthen your marriage. LET IT!
-You're going to be okay. I PROMISE you that.
Believe me, I'm the first to admit there were (and sometimes still are) days that I just feel like I can't go on any longer. How am I going to make it? Sometimes I just want to lie in my bed and do nothing for an entire week, but you know what? I can't. That's the funny/not so funny thing about life. It goes on. I'm not saying that you should just get over it, because I definitely don't believe that. Like I said, your baby died, that's definitely worth remembering and grieving over, there's no doubt about that. But I promise you God wouldn't make you suffer this pain without an end in sight. It might not be tomorrow, heck it might not even be in this life, but the day will come. God doesn't make mistakes, you were made exactly how you were meant to be made. Your trials were mapped out before you were even born. Learn from them, and let them make you. You can make it.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Miscarriage & grief
I have been struggling for a place to write this and my feelings about it. I'm not totally sure that I will even publish this post, but it might just help me to write it out. I will be honest, the whole point of this blog was to help me try to put into words what I've been thinking.
In August of 2014 we got some very exciting news. We found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited, but very nervous at the same time. We were getting ready to move, I was working full time, and I was finishing school. We just had a lot going on at the time and I was very stressed. Toward the end of August I started cramping, so I called a doctor and they told me not to worry unless I started bleeding.
On a Friday night we made a trip to Brigham City to eat at Maddox Ranch House, it was delicious. We had almost made it back to Logan before I got super sick, I made Chris pull over so I could throw up. It was pouring rain and Chris pulled over and I stuck my head out in the rain and puked my guts up. I was thinking to myself if this is what being pregnant is like there's no way I will survive this.
Then I woke up around 2am with the worst pain in my stomach. I thought I just needed to puke again so I went in the bathroom and tried. Nothing would come out, but I did need to go to the bathroom, and what do you know... I was bleeding. I was so scared, and I had no idea what to do. I went back to the bedroom in a lot of pain and woke Chris up. He suggested I take a bath and he went downstairs and got me some Tylenol. I sat in the bath until about 6 am. The Tylenol didn't even come close to touching the pain. I finally fell back asleep around 7:30. By this time Chris, my dad, and my brother were in Toole, Utah watching the motorcycle races.
I woke up around 9 or 10 and called my sister in law to see what I should do and she told me to just head to the instacare. When I got to the instacare they sent me straight to the emergency room, which I was not exactly thrilled about.
I got straight back to a room and changed. They gave me more Tylenol which again didn't do me any good. I got a couple ultrasounds, and then a NP came in and gave me some better pain medication. A few minutes later I got the horrible news that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I was having a miscarriage and there was nothing they could do about it.
I was absolutely devastated. I didn't even know how this could happen to me. I called Chris and gave him the news. He of course couldn't come home until the races were over because he had ridden with my dad and brother. I drove myself and went and got a few prescriptions and went home put on a movie and wanted to fall into a short coma so I could just forget about all this physical and emotional pain I had been through and would go through.
On Monday, I had to go back to work and school and it was horrible. I just wanted to lay in bed all day and cry. Of course I had to just keep on going. I was in the middle of my finals at school and I was training two new assistants at work. I guess you could say I never really had time to deal with it.
Ever since life has been pretty rough. I am not really sure how to deal with this pain. It's a really hard thing when all of my friends are going through these wonderful pregnancies and cuddling their sweet babies. This pain is no joke. Don't get me wrong, I am super happy for my friends and I will love on their babies like no bodies business, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it still hurts. That's another story for a different day, until next time.
Love,
Chris &Mikailei
In August of 2014 we got some very exciting news. We found out that I was pregnant. I was so excited, but very nervous at the same time. We were getting ready to move, I was working full time, and I was finishing school. We just had a lot going on at the time and I was very stressed. Toward the end of August I started cramping, so I called a doctor and they told me not to worry unless I started bleeding.
On a Friday night we made a trip to Brigham City to eat at Maddox Ranch House, it was delicious. We had almost made it back to Logan before I got super sick, I made Chris pull over so I could throw up. It was pouring rain and Chris pulled over and I stuck my head out in the rain and puked my guts up. I was thinking to myself if this is what being pregnant is like there's no way I will survive this.
Then I woke up around 2am with the worst pain in my stomach. I thought I just needed to puke again so I went in the bathroom and tried. Nothing would come out, but I did need to go to the bathroom, and what do you know... I was bleeding. I was so scared, and I had no idea what to do. I went back to the bedroom in a lot of pain and woke Chris up. He suggested I take a bath and he went downstairs and got me some Tylenol. I sat in the bath until about 6 am. The Tylenol didn't even come close to touching the pain. I finally fell back asleep around 7:30. By this time Chris, my dad, and my brother were in Toole, Utah watching the motorcycle races.
I woke up around 9 or 10 and called my sister in law to see what I should do and she told me to just head to the instacare. When I got to the instacare they sent me straight to the emergency room, which I was not exactly thrilled about.
I got straight back to a room and changed. They gave me more Tylenol which again didn't do me any good. I got a couple ultrasounds, and then a NP came in and gave me some better pain medication. A few minutes later I got the horrible news that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I was having a miscarriage and there was nothing they could do about it.
I was absolutely devastated. I didn't even know how this could happen to me. I called Chris and gave him the news. He of course couldn't come home until the races were over because he had ridden with my dad and brother. I drove myself and went and got a few prescriptions and went home put on a movie and wanted to fall into a short coma so I could just forget about all this physical and emotional pain I had been through and would go through.
On Monday, I had to go back to work and school and it was horrible. I just wanted to lay in bed all day and cry. Of course I had to just keep on going. I was in the middle of my finals at school and I was training two new assistants at work. I guess you could say I never really had time to deal with it.
Ever since life has been pretty rough. I am not really sure how to deal with this pain. It's a really hard thing when all of my friends are going through these wonderful pregnancies and cuddling their sweet babies. This pain is no joke. Don't get me wrong, I am super happy for my friends and I will love on their babies like no bodies business, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it still hurts. That's another story for a different day, until next time.
Love,
Chris &Mikailei
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