If you knew me while I was growing up, it was no secret that I struggled with my self esteem. I was a tall girl in a world full of short boys. I can remember being teased about my height as early as 1st grade. Plus the older I got the wider I seemed to get. I wouldn't necessarily say that I was over weight I just wasn't a tiny girl like most of my friends. In 6th grade as we were ordering our dare shirts, I remember telling my teacher what size I needed and he told me that he knew I was going to be too big for that size.
It wasn't until my Senior year of high school I finally felt comfortbale in my own skin. I wasn't being teased about my height anymore and all the boys had caught up to me for the most part. I remember feeling like I finally felt like I fit in. This lasted for the next few years. I felt like I was content with who I was and the skin I was in.
Then we started trying to get pregnant. Each and every month felt like a chisel was taking a bit of my self esteem little by little. I noticed it, but I felt like it would all go away once I finally got pregnant. It took us 10 months to get pregnant the first time, and I remember feeling relief that I finally would feel okay with myself again. And I did.
But like you've heard, this story doesn't end well. Just 7-8 weeks in I miscarried. This time it took almost every ounce of my self esteem it could possibly take. I felt like what is wrong with me that I can't do what God sent me here to do. Why isn't my body good enough to do what it is intended to do. It's a funny thing, I never would have thought it would make me feel this way, but it does. It absolutely makes you feel like less of a woman. I then proceeded to gain 20-30 pounds. Talk about esteem killer. I literally felt like I woke up one morning and I was an infertile obese woman, and there was nothing I could do about it. The energy it took out of me was unreal. I just wished so badly that I could be the me I used to be. I wanted to feel like the woman I knew I was and that I knew my husband had fallen in love with. It was a hard pill to swallow. I don't really have a conclusion to where this should end, and maybe that's because I am still trying to over come this certain trial. Maybe there will be a part two to this post, but for now it's still unwritten.
I hope and pray that those of you struggling know you aren't alone. It's an awful club to be apart of, but I know you can find love and peace from somebody going through the same thing. God loves you, even when you don't love you.
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